Thursday, November 30, 2006

It's Spring--For Real This Time

The weather is unseasonably warm. Cherry trees and geraniums are blooming. People walk around without coats. It feels like next spring (strange, to remember backwards!).

Every spring, I experience a poignant stirring of my emotions that brings to mind all past springs, yet makes me dream of the future, and in the remembrance of the past I also remember my past dreams and find myself caught in a painful awareness of time and timelessness, of hope and disillusionment.

As I walked back from biology lab to my office building a few moments ago, I thought how strange it is that this false spring feels more like a real spring than I have experienced in many years. For once, I am looking more forward than back.

I always dreamed of touching the universe, of dogging an idea until I understood it, of finding words for my questions and pursuing the answers into every corner of life. I wanted to follow those elusive moments of beauty: the breath after a song ends, the final ripple on water. But in my fear of looking life in the face, I built a cage for myself--a place where no creature belongs.

This spring, I'll be flying free.

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