Saturday, February 28, 2009

The Real Me

I still get really sick every few months when I accidentally eat the wrong food, and the weather and other stress factors can exacerbate the reaction. My friend calls it a "flare-up," and it happened this week. I was exhausted, and so stiff I could barely walk. Today I'm feeling better, but it gets worse again in the evenings - another early bedtime; who knew a person could sleep so much?

It's easy to smile and be the nice Christian girl when I'm feeling fine. The world looks so beautiful when I'm healthy! But then I get sick, and I can't do anything that makes me feel productive, and I get scared that I'll spend the rest of my life wrapped in a blanket with only my nose poking out, and I'm impatient with my family because noises make my skin hurt, and I'm angry at God, and beauty makes me choke. I worry, worry, worry and all the ingratitude inside me comes to the surface.

I hate being sick, but it's good medicine. It strips away the veneer of holiness. When I see the real me, I suddenly see how I've trampled God, and my heart breaks. But then I can ask Him to make me well, both body and soul. And that's when I realize how much He loves me, because He already knows how messed up I am but He takes care of me anyway.

1 comment:

Bekah said...

totally understandable...we all have our little security areas that seem simple enough but can be so frustrating when they don't go our way...for me it's finances...i think I've been tithing and growing and being the good Christian and am trusting Him to provide...then it snows and half my hours are gone...even though I just got a raise, I'm like "what are you doing to me, God? You know I need this!"