Saturday, April 04, 2009

Modification of a Journal Entry

I've just realized that my fundamental sin is embarassingly childish. On some very early day (before my first memory), I discovered that by being "good," I could work around the obstacles in my world. I became an expert on avoiding pain, especially the pain of a command I didn't want to obey. (Sometimes, God's will leads us where we do not want to go.) If I had been honest with Him, we might have talked like this:

Me: I want this (or that).

God: You may not have it.

And there things would have ended. But I did not want to admit the reality of my selfishness or the possibility that He might deny my desires, so I had to avoid the conversation entirely. I had to invent a different God, one who operated according to strange and manipulative rules. I had to turn my relationship with Him into an abstract, cosmic struggle, when all along it was really this: the Father commanding His child, the child saying "I refuse." Such a simple, everyday event--literally, for I have avoided small daily pains for years by the numbing distraction of big questions, complicated considerations, titanic struggles. All along it was this, so small, so humiliating.

And yet so freeing. "Our Father . . . Thy will be done."

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