Skip to main content

It Takes a Little Getting Used To

Today was one of those days. Projects didn't get done; I was sick; the house was full of activity and disorienting; there was conflict at dinner and I cried in front of everyone. On the flip side, I went on a beautiful walk this morning, I spent little money on a big purchase, the most important project did get done, I made beets for dinner and beets make me happy, and we watched the first episode of Bleak House tonight.

Let me tell you a little secret. I'm a control freak. Oh, wait, you have that problem too? And days like today drive me crazy. Everything's out of control, including me. The most painful part of a day like today is the moment when I realize that God wants me to let go, not hang on. It feels like I'm loosing my grip on a sturdy branch and letting myself spin down into a whirlpool.

I don't like His way of doing things. It's messy and painful and it's not the way I would do it! But there's a part of me that knows life is supposed to be beautiful and risky, and I'm forced to admit that His way is much more extraordinary than mine. It's like reading a really unpredictable story - you know there's genius behind it.

Comments

Grace said…
That's a great description of life, Lee Ann. I think all of us are control freaks to some extent---especially when it comes to getting done what we want to get done on a given day. I like how you phrased it "life is beautiful and risky."

Popular posts from this blog

How to Waste Time When You Could Be Watching a Zombie Movie

Today I read one of those horrible articles that the internet seems to have been designed for, consisting of 40 tips for becoming as successful as the author: "How to Live a Full Life (and Leave Nothing on the Table) by 30." Yes, that's really the title. Normally I wouldn't publish a blog post in response, but because I managed to Come Down with a Chronic Illness (and Achieve Basically Nothing Else) by 30 and Am Currently Feeling the Aftereffects of One of the Treatments I Periodically Take, Which Causes Me to Feel High and Lose My Inhibitions, I'm just going to go for it. (Author's point #33: "Seriously, You Can Do Whatever You Want." Why thank you, young man, I think I will!)

The author's name is Ryan Holiday, and he has published several books. It sounds like he is also very wealthy, because note point #15, "Sooner Is Not Better," where he says he had a weird goal of becoming a millionaire by 25, but it didn't happen until after

Lyme Recovery, Seven Years In

When I first got my Lyme diagnosis, I went to the library and borrowed all the books on Lyme disease I could find (there were only three, if I recall correctly). One book was the personal account of a woman whose undiagnosed Lyme crossed her placenta and infected her unborn son, who later died in childhood after horrific symptoms. That book and a second featured images of magnified ticks, and I would peek through the pages taking care not to accidentally touch the photographs. I realized I might never have children. I returned the books to the library.

The third book was Biography of a Germ by Arno Karlen, a scientific essay on the Lyme spirochete. I didn't finish it because I took it back to the library as part of my stop-scaring-myself-silly dragnet. But I remembered it fondly. The author methodically explored the Lyme bacteria, Borrelia burdorferi, as an organism in its own right, a marvel of evolutionary survival that relies on a complex chain of ticks, small ani…

Waking Up Is Hard to Do

Ever since I was six or so, I have battled alarm clocks. They've jolted me awake. I've turned them off. I've hit snooze. I've gone back to sleep. I've tried to awaken myself gently with the classical music station or Aaron Copland CDs. No matter what, I can't get out of bed when the alarm says I should.

When I was a child, my father and I would race after the school bus. As an adult, I was chronically late for work. I'm not a morning person. I don't sleep well and rarely feel rested. Lymies don't feel well in the mornings anyway, and it didn't help that I'm easily startled and was being shocked awake each day with the equivalent of those paddles they use on heart attack victims. All morning I'd feel groggy and queasy and antsy, with adrenaline pumping through me.

A couple years ago I got sick and had to stay home from work for a few days. When I was ready to get back to the office, I took it easy for a few alarm-clock-free mornings while…