Friday, April 16, 2010

Seeking

I am experiencing profound change. Over the past year, I have faced fear and frustration so deep that I didn't think I could go on. All my old coping mechanisms stopped working. Pain welled up in me that I've pushed down for years - since I was 23, since I was 17, since I was 12, since I was 9.

For too long, old questions have gone unanswered. Who am I? Who is God? It recently occurred to me that I have no idea who I am. I've made myself into the Lee Ann that everybody wants to see. When you strip away all those layers woven by compliance and the craving for approval - there is nothing. When I look into myself to see who I am, there is a terrifying emptiness.

But how can I know who I am if I don't know who God is? I am realizing that the God I think I know is boxed in by my own brain. He has been preached to me in church and modeled to me by human beings, and He frightens me. I can't change this image of God in my head. And yet I sense that the real God is someone stronger, kinder, than I can imagine. I seem to hear Him calling to me from very far away.

It's time to go find the real me and the real God. I'm tired of wasting time, wasting my life, my soul. I've started making some pretty drastic decisions about the next few years, but they feel right. Facing my questions means facing my fear, but it also means an incredibly beautiful freedom.