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Showing posts from April, 2010

Seeking

I am experiencing profound change. Over the past year, I have faced fear and frustration so deep that I didn't think I could go on. All my old coping mechanisms stopped working. Pain welled up in me that I've pushed down for years - since I was 23, since I was 17, since I was 12, since I was 9.

For too long, old questions have gone unanswered. Who am I? Who is God? It recently occurred to me that I have no idea who I am. I've made myself into the Lee Ann that everybody wants to see. When you strip away all those layers woven by compliance and the craving for approval - there is nothing. When I look into myself to see who I am, there is a terrifying emptiness.

But how can I know who I am if I don't know who God is? I am realizing that the God I think I know is boxed in by my own brain. He has been preached to me in church and modeled to me by human beings, and He frightens me. I can't change this image of God in my head. And yet I sense that the real God is someone st…