Saturday, May 01, 2010

Still Me

My blog has a new name and lovely new colors, but it's still me posting. I needed a new way to express the questions I'm exploring and the person I hope I'm becoming.

A half-life is "the time required for half the nuclei in a sample of a specific isotopic species to undergo radioactive decay" (American Heritage Dictionary, 4th ed.). In other words: At a midpoint in life, enough change has occurred for us to draw reasonable conclusions about something's identity.

I have reached the point of realization that the life I live is not full (another kind of half-life). In looking back and evaluating my identity, I see that much of who I am has decayed in a desperate, involved, time-draining attempt to pretend that everything is okay, protecting the half-truths I know and trying to please the half-God I worship.

Fact: Everything is not okay. Saying so does not disprove the Bible, it's not blasphemy, it's not heresy. Admitting my feelings does not mean that I am about to be swept away on a tide of dangerous self-deception. It doesn't mean that if I die at a moment when I don't like God, He's going to bar the gates of heaven. It doesn't mean that if my sorrow can't be neatly packed away in a box and labeled with an answer and eight Bible references, then my faith is inadequate.

It does mean that I'm finally learning who I am, and I'm trying to speak the truth of my experience without shame.

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