Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Wings on My Back

On Friday I got a tattoo. Today (my birthday), a phone conversation left me shaking, drinking a glass of white wine to calm down. I let myself get suckered into an old pattern, one that makes me feel used and patronized and firmly put in my place. Before I know it, my heart is pounding, warning me too late that I can't stop the revictimization that is about to happen. I keep talking, saying the things the other person wants to hear, but the real me has no voice. Afterward I felt paralyzed, words trapped inside me, emotions making my muscles ache. I couldn't see a way out. But there is, there is. I'm changing, and so is my life. The butterfly was engraved on me in an act of hope, memorializing the fact that once you've changed, you don't ever have to go back.